Arghhh

Here's what one "work" day looked like last week before there was all the business and craziness of packing up, driving home, and unpacking.

Slept in - the Jane Clock didn't go off at 6:00. Got up, ate, read scriptures, got dressed, etc.
7:41 - winding up for work
Jane is sleeping!!!
8:39 - 1057 words (out of 5201) are "1st draft ready"
Jane wakes up
8:54 - floundering. What can I work on next?
Jane is cute. I'm trying to work with her sitting and playing next to me
9:35- work is slowly lurching along
Jane is hungry.
10:00 - got dressed, went on a walk with Jane and a friend, fed Jane a bottle, ate some chips
12:01 - back to work
HA HA!! phone calls, Jane, laundry, lunch, all get in the way
Put Jane down for a nap
2:30 - for reals, for reals: back to work!
2:45 - floundering. What can I work on next?
3:00 - Jane wakes up...

So, maybe that timeline doesn't quite capture it, but it's so strange (and really cool when you think about it), how my brain is so attached to my daughter. The only time I can completely focus on something other than Jane is when she is asleep. The few mornings that I have been up and working before her, I can actually feel something switch in my brain the moment she's up and gabbering. I can work with her near if it's not something hard or is something straightforward...anyway. Now that we are back, I think I need to head to the library a few hours a day so I can focus better. The clock is ticking!

Update

So, I've had a lot of ups and downs lately. I've realized once again (which I've always known) that doing too much of one thing = unhappy me. I feel the pressure of getting a draft out really soon before surgery and that makes me not want to do anything but work on my paper, which is both unrealistic and counter productive. In my obsession to get a draft out, I've really made myself miserable and haven't taken the time to enjoy being in Idaho. So Thursday last week I decided to knock it off. I am close to having something that I can send to others for evaluation, but my brain was so fried and I was so sad, I decided rather than keep a deadline for the deadline's sake, to decide to develop positive work patterns (and strategies for doing things I don't like ;-)

Here is what I have figured out about work habits for me:
I get a lot done in 2 hours. And I usually need a bit of a break after those 2 hours. I can get two productive sessions of 2 hours each a day and occasionally 3 sessions, but not every day.

I do better work in the morning first thing OR after I've had a chance to plan my day and know what else is on my plate and check my email, and take care of everything. Which means, the best times for me to work (at least mentally), are first thing (but I have to get started before Jane wakes up, so like 5:00 am), during Jane's nap (if she takes a nap...), late afternoon (3:00ish) or like 7:00pm after Jane is in bed, dinner is over and cleaned up (if I'm not too exhausted). So, go ahead and ask me how getting up at 5:00 am is going...;-)

After 4 four hour days, I need a break. I was thinking that this was just my own lack of motivation and deep desire not to write this thing, but it's been so consistent and I've had so much more energy and positive feelings at the first of the week after a good break, that I've decided it's reality. I'm wondering if I could maybe fit in a small session during the weekend, like if I work M-Th, and maybe Friday morning, take a break and then maybe look at it Saturday, make a plan, and then forget about it again until Monday. I don't know.

I need to be busier to be more productive. If it's the only thing on my plate, I get depressed quickly and find ways to avoid it (like my dad is with vegetables. Or salads). But if I've got some people to see, projects to work on, I make that time work better and I'm more focused and motivated. Go figure. See, that whole "be anxiously engaged in many things" is REALLY true.

Umm...I think there are more, but I need to hunker down and get to work now.

The Power of Caps

I'm forging ahead, even as Jane is crying in the next room, refusing to go to sleep (which usually derails me), even though I'm still not sure what this last section is going to look like, even though the more I write, the shorter my paper gets, I keep going. How? The Power of Caps.

Yes, there is great power in provisional writing. For me, I tap on the caps lock and write. That way I know that I will surely see my stupidity and note to myself as I read through to revise. And it's strangely liberating. I've written a whole paragraph in caps before only to realize later that the prose is actually pretty perfect. Writing in caps turns off the internal editor for a minute so I can just get out what I'm trying to say. The Power of Caps will prevail...

Uh...yeah.

So I have about 2000 words left to write before my Thursday deadline and I'm having a really tough time even figuring out where to start with this last chunk. This is the part where I'm supposed to look at the feminist pedagogues and the things they have done and critique it. It's supposed to be the smartest and most analytical part of my paper, or at least I think so. It should be the funnest part to write and yet I'm either scared or totally checked out. I've read SO much for this project (too much, that's part of the problem...) and last night I re-read an article that is really fabulous and I found myself, "why am I writing this?" I feel like I can't really add anything to the conversation. And anything I do say is going to be at least second rate (probably more like fourth rate), so what's the point? I mean, despite the fact this is the last hoop to jump through to get my MA...

When I wrote my honor's thesis at BYU, there was this huge emphasis on coming up with truly original and creative work. On the one hand, it added a lot of pressure. On the other, it was really exciting and had exigency based on that alone. Most of the time I feel like I'm just writing a book report. I mean, I've learned a ton! But I don't feel like the critique I could add would do much to further the discussion. And the discussion needs to be furthered because it's kind of dead at the moment....

So I'm going to go back to wandering (in high speed) aimlessly (which looks pretty silly) trying to come up with how to break into this section...

It REALLY doesn't help that I don't have all my materials and notes here. I've done A LOT of this work already and now I've got to go at it all over again.

My Master's (current) Theme Song

I have highlighted the especially pertinent lines.

Eric Hutchinson
Back To Where I Was :
New life decides to come through the front door
and makes us wish we'd shown respect before
though i don't have much of a choice
i resolve to regain my voice

chorus
if i only just begin to understand it that's because
everytime i time i start to change my mind again
it gets me back to where i was

new life we never had a clue
the two of us deciding what to do
though my hands are all but tied
i rebound so i can say at least i tried

chorus

and long as i'm allowed i'll change my mind that's what it's for
i'm getting older but i'm still the same i'm just not thinking anymore

Critical Mass

So I'm realizing I can really only get so many hours of work in a day before I get completely fried. It's a shockingly small amount. Previous to this last week, I had been doing all my work after Jane went to bed for about 4 hours. With Mom around and able this week to watch her a bit, I've been getting some excellent work during the day...but then I'm not able to get much if anything done in the evening. My motivation is waning, but I have to say that posting here about Agonism has REALLY helped me tackle it again today in my draft. I was like "I've talked about that intelligently before, people read it and no one made fun of me...I can do it again." So YAY blog!

I'm really starting to doubt the scope I've picked for this project and the style I've envisioned for it. Surprisingly, writing the typical academic tone comes pretty easy. It's more difficult for me to write in the style I used to for this stuff...when did that happen? Ack! I've been assimilated ;-) Resistance is futile.

P.S. I've been wanting to try popcorn with olive oil for a while now (since it's SO much better than butter), but I was scared. I took the plunge today and yum, yum. Granted, this olive oil is fantastic, but still.

writing, writing, writing,

I have 73% of the words I need on the page! I only had 45% when the weekend hit. I feel hope! Of course, it's a giant mess in need of lots of organizing, rewriting, cleaning, etc, etc. But as we used to tell the students we tutored: a writer is like a janitor--lots of cleaning up messes. BUT a writer has got to make a mess before they can clean it up.... and this is cleaning I like to do.
*happy sigh*

This progress brought to you by Grandma and Grandpa who are currently watching my dear Jane